Wednesday, July 2, 2014

The Birds Are Singing Again......I Am Choosing Joy!

Choose your Joy! Let the birds of your heart sing again.........

I have not posted here for some months now. My mental disposition has just not been to that point in my healing process yet. I do firmly believe that writing/blogging about my depression/PTSD may help other women who deal daily with this disease or condition. I have been in such a dark and deep place for months now, simply functioning on a small spark with no flame. My joy in life has dissipated until recently when I just decided to try and pick my self up off the floor(literally), my family deserves more than this....they deserve the real me, the woman full of joy, love and life. A woman of God that does not give up so easy .....

For those of you that don't know me, my mother recently passed away in Febuary with lung cancer. My mother, my mentor, my hero, my best friend!

It all happened so fast that I really had no time to think nor grieve or prepare until boom she was gone.

I still hold feelings deep internally that I can't reach past to move on. I wake up every day thinking about my poor mother and how she suffered til the end. How I wish I could have spent more time with her. What did I do wrong, I am a nurse......a healer....I failed!

Just when I thought I was moving forward in healing and the grief I experienced when my dad died in 2009, now I am faced with the lose of both of my heros in life. (I' m not bitter...nah)

Both of them have been taken away by the dreaded disease of cancer. Cancer sucks is all I can say, it seems to steal your joy away completely.

I miss my mom so much now it hurts my soul. I wake up in the morning thinking about her and go to sleep thinking about her. Little things that happen now in our life I want to call and tell her, but she is not there to answer the phone....I still have her numbers in my cell phone, I can't bring myself to erase them. I have even saved the last voicemail she left me, so I can just hear her voice.

Letting go of things has always been a problem for me, but I am working hard to let go of some of my moms material possessions that really don't make sense for us to clutter our house with. She would have wanted me to donate her clothes to a worthy cause and I am still just hanging on to them. I did let go and did not go back to the house for even more "stuff", my younger brother was a trooper and took care of the rest of the mess. I would have just hauled more junk back here to my house when I am beginning to hoard stuff already. I still cry daily over it though....crazy huh?

Homeschool moms seem to hoard tons of "stuff" as it is..lol , I am trying my best to avoid a tv episode of "Hoarders buried alive" one day.

Come with me on my journey back to a better place, each week I hope to post more about my journey one day at a time as the birds begin to sing again.

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